How to Deal With Difficult Co-Workers: 10 Strategies Bitchy Women Use to Have the Upper Hand
I Was a Lamb in the Wolves' Den Just Waiting to Get Slaughtered
Not surprisingly, when I was a little girl attending Catholic schools in the 1970's, nobody taught me the fine art of being bitchy. It was a different time back then. Girls like me were getting groomed for lives as doting mothers, supportive wives, and dutiful pillars of their churches and communities – not as career women, bosses, CEO's, and politicians. The most powerful woman I knew as a kid was Doris Walthers who drove our carpool. In the 70's she was considered a force to be reckoned with because she had, after all, served as our school's Mother's Club president for two consecutive terms!
As an adult, I taught at inner-city parochial schools where everybody's focus was on helping students. There were no power plays for money, promotions, and prestige. So when I entered the business world for the first time as a middle-aged woman, I was like a lamb wandering innocently into the wolves' den – just waiting to get slaughtered.
Bitchy Women Play by Their Own Set of Rules, Concerned With Themselves and Not Others
You Don't Need to Act Bitchy, but You Do Need to Counteract Bitchy
My supervisor – the leader of the pack – was a woman named Jennifer, who had all the bitchy experience I lacked. I immediately felt ill-at-ease around her – awkward and off-balance. It wasn't until years later I understood she was making calculated moves – some subtle, some overt – in a game of psychological warfare to put herself in a place of strength and me in weakness. While I'd never suggest women emulate Jennifer's catty behavior, I do believe they need to recognize, understand, and counteract it so they don't become a victim like I did. So here are 10 strategies bitchy women like Jennifer use in the business world to gain control:
1. She Calls You by the Wrong Name.
During the first few months at my new job, Jennifer called me “Marcee,” the name of the woman who held the position before me. Each time she referred to me by the wrong name, she got the result she wanted – making me feel "less than," vulnerable, and unsure of myself. My mind would race: “Do I correct her or just let it go?” Unfortunately, I decided to ignore it, giving her the message I didn't value myself and wouldn't speak up for myself. I'll never make that mistake again.
2. She Points Out Small Imperfections in Your Appearance.
Whenever we saw each other, Jennifer began our interaction by pointing out a tiny flaw in my appearance – a thread dangling from my skirt, a scuff mark on my heels. Now, I understand her goal was to make me feel defenseless like a bug under a microscope. But, at the time, I was embarrassed, caught off guard, and simply left speechless. If that were to happen to me today, I'd say in an admiring voice: “Wow, Jennifer, you sure have a keen eye for detail.” Killing her with kindness would be an effective way to counteract her machinations.
3. She Uses Her Cell Phone Strategically.
Whenever I'd have a scheduled meeting with Jennifer, she'd be talking with someone on her cell phone -- sometimes business calls but, more often, personal. I'd have to sit patiently and awkwardly for her to finish. Once again, her behavior was deliberate – a way to let me know her time was more precious than mine and she was in control. Now, if that were to happen, I'd simply get up and leave, stating unemotionally: "Let me know when you have time for our meeting. I need to get back to work."
I've since learned many companies have established policies against using cell phones at meetings. They realized too many employees like Jennifer had no common sense and no proper manners when it came to talking on their phones. These people were speaking on their phones as an affectation -- a way to look superior in the workplace.
A Bitchy Boss Is a Predator Looking for a Victim. Don't Let It Be You!
4. She Asks You to Do Work That's Clearly the Responsibility of Another Employee.
As soon as I got hired, Jennifer asked me to do another employee's work. Wanting to make a good impression and get off to a good start, I complied. That was the wrong move. It didn't earn me any brownie points with Jennifer -- just the opposite. It let her know I was a doormat. The first time she asked me to do the other woman's job I should have stood my ground, saying calmly and confidently: “That's not my job. That's clearly Karen's job because she received special training in that area.”
5. She Never Asks About Your Personal Life.
Jennifer never asked about my personal life – my husband, kids, outside interests. On Monday mornings, she wouldn't greet me with the standard inquiry: “How was your weekend?” At the time, I thought it odd but didn't give it much consideration beyond that. In hindsight, I understand it was another way to depersonalize our relationship, allowing her to treat me like crap. If she didn't see me as a wife, a mother, a human being, it was easier to treat me badly. Now I talk about my personal life with my boss whether she asks or not so she sees me as more than a robotic working machine.
6. She Asks You to Take Work Home.
I now realize the first months working with Jennifer were a testing period. She was feeling me out – seeing how much I would tolerate. When she asked me early on to take work home in the evenings and on weekends, I foolishly agreed and a precedent was set. From then on, Jennifer expected me to complete assignments at home. Now, if my boss were to ask that, I'd nip it in the bud immediately by saying sweetly but firmly: "My salary doesn't call for me to work beyond a 40 hour week."
7. She Uses the Adjective " Nice" to Describe You.
Growing up in Catholic schools, girls like me wanted to get labeled nice because it was a compliment. But, in the business world, nice is a pejorative term. When Jennifer used nice to describe me to others, she was letting them know she saw me as a weakling, a chump, and a patsy.
As the nice person at work, I was now being called on to do tasks outside my job description because the nice employee never says no and never makes waves. I learned quickly nice is not the designation you want in the business world.
I Was the Resident Doormat, and Everybody Knew It But Me.
8. She Never Has Time to Sit Down and Talk With You.
Whenever I had a meeting with Jennifer, she always had a call to take, a meeting to attend, a document to read. I felt rushed – a low priority in her hectic world. Now I know not to take that treatment from a boss. When we have a scheduled meeting, I expect her full attention. If she's distracted, I politely but firmly state: “You seem preoccupied. Do we need to set up another meeting when you can focus fully on what I'm saying?”
9. She Never Praises You.
I never received accolades from Jennifer even though clients requested my services and praised my professionalism. I convinced myself compliments from her were unnecessary. Yet, now I see the boss-employee relationship as a two-way street and I demand certain things from my boss, including regular feedback on my job performance – both verbal and written.
10. She Belittles You to Feel Better About Herself.
The Jennifers of the business world are not deliberately out to get you. You're just collateral damage as they rise to the top. Contrary to what you may think, Jennifers don't feel good about themselves. They belittle others because they need to feel smarter and stronger. Their bitchy behavior masks their insecurity.
Final Thoughts on Dealing With Bitchy Co-Workers in the Business World
A bitchy woman in the business world has a whole arsenal to strengthen her position and weaken yours. You don't want to become like her – emulating her malicious behavior – because, ultimately, the bitchy woman is a sad, pathetic, and insecure person who bolsters herself by putting you down. You do, however, need to recognize, understand, and counteract her machinations. Staying calm and unemotional is your best defense. If she does not get a rise from you, she will move on to her next victim. If her bitchy behavior is too oppressive, find another job where you're appreciated and your talents can shine. You'll be glad you did!
This Book Helped Me Accept That Difficult Co-Workers Are Inevitable But How I Respond to Them Is What Matters
I can't say enough good things about this light-hearted, helpful book when dealing with difficult people. When reading it, I recognized so many of my co-workers who drive me up the wall. Knowing I'm not alone was worth the cost of the book! It taught me how to respond to annoying people at work without letting them ruin my day.