Office-Safe Fake Swear Words
It Happens to the Best of Us
Have you ever let profanity slip while at work?
For most places, this is a major no-no. Many places of business use a swear box, in which you have to give a certain amount of money every time you let profanity slip. And in some cases? Using profanity can get you fired!
But here's the deal. We realize that not all of your words are that bad. We also realize that some habits are more difficult to break than others.
How to Break the Habit
The best way to break the habit is to substitute the bad habit with a good habit! Good luck on everything breaking those other bad habits you've got, but here is a list of safe (and highly creative!) alternatives for your swear words.
- Full of horse apples
- Fala fudge keys
- Cotton-pickin' piece of... crap
- Fudgesicles on a corn stick!
- Where the shtickens is that cat?!
- Shootdarn, I didn't mean to do that!
- Mom and dad were doing the frick frack!
The easiest way to use profanity that isn't really profanity is to substitute with something that still (at least slightly!) resembles it. Here are some examples:
- Son of a Sea Cook!
- I fardled that right up.
- Holy carp!
- Son of a pup!
- Holy heck specks
- Sugar honey iced tea!
- Okey dokey, smokey!
- Mother of Goodness
- Oh, truck
- Son of a booger butt
- Where the fu-la la la la are my keys?
Does your favorite TV show have a couple of funny swear substitutions? I know a couple that have stuck in my head!
- Sweet nibblits! (Almost everyone in Hannah Montana)
- Crikey! (Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter)
- Peas and rice! (instead of "Jesus Christ," in the TV censoring of Shaun of the Dead)
- Oh, balls. (Bobby Singer, Supernatural)
- We just saved the sodding world together (Crowley, Supernatural)
- Dag nab it! (Elmer Fudd, Looney Tunes)
- Sufferin' succotash! (Sylvester, Looney Tunes)
From Disney's Tinker Bell Series
- Who gives a pile of pebbles?
- Why, that's flitterific!
- Teetering teapots!
- By the second star!
- Fly with you!
Scooby Dooby Doo
- Holy wow!
Harry Potter Swears
These types of swears, I have to admit, are always my favorite. They are simply so creative! Many of them are said by one Ronald Weasley.
- Merlin's beard
- Troll bogeys!
- And what in the name of Merlin's most baggy Y Fronts was that about?
And of course because Ron is so creative about Merlin's body parts and clothing, it is the perfect encouragement to abuse the poor mystical man even more!
- Merlin's pink tutu!
- Why, Merlin's toe socks!
- Ugh, even Merlin's toe fungus wouldn't smell like that!
- That's why Merlin's beard is so big; it's full of secrets!
(Okay, so the last one is technically from Mean Girls. Still worth using!)
Non-Canon Wizard Swears
Ever watch the Potter Puppet Pals? They're hilarious! Watch the video for their skit, "Wizard Swears" below!
Potter Puppet Pals: Wizard Swears
- Feck off (Almost Famous)
- Bocce balls (Splash)
- The squid hath hitteth the fan...eth. (10 Things I Hate About You)
- Dip-a-dee-doo-da! (Cinderella)
- I'm a cotton-headed ninny muggins. (Elf)
The sweet possibilities of overlapping references when it comes to food is inescapable! Want to reference your favorite movie AND a swear by using food? You've probably seen it often enough to know the foods that are most seen!
- Flaming Whiskey, Harry! (Harry Potter, of course!)
Just want to use food? Have at it! Mention below any food swears that always remind YOU of your favorite pop culture reference!
- Powdered sugar brownies!
- Have we even looked at the sugar-soaked quiz yet?
- I am so done with this banana bread world!
- Eat my chocolate swirl shake!
- Donut holes!
- Oh, shiitake mushrooms on a sitck!
- Where the fig newtons am I?
- Someone please take me away from this shortcake place!
Smart Kids' Substitutions
Kids will always and forever find words to use when they're trying to sound badass. Want to sound like an "adult"? Swear! Apparently, children still think this makes them look or seem older. The ones who aren't brave enough or just don't care to use the real words are the ones who get super creative.
- Heck and double heck!
- H-E-Double hockey sticks!
- Tottering tadpoles!
- Oh, bark!
- Gosh darnit
- Fudge buckets!
- Shut the front door
- Go blow it out your ear
- Funky nuggets
- Lickety split
- Oh, sheep.
- Oh, ship!
- Galloping gremlins!
Want to use more than just a nonsensical word? I've heard people suggest using car names as substitutions for profanity!
- Mercedes Benz it, I wanted to catch the train!
- Ford it all!
- Sports coup de ville, but that doesn't look right.
- Chevy Tracker you all.
- That is so DeLorean!
- Trans Am it all!
- Ford Crown Victoria in a sweater at Christmas!
- Mustang Sally!
Stubbing Your Toe
Stub your toe? Work at a daycare? Yell these words instead of letting profanity slip! The parents will have funny stories in the future for when their kids yell these words, and you'll know you're still being professional.
- Natalie Portman!
- Tyler Posey!
- Alan Rickman!
- Johnny Depp!
- Charlize Theron! (Try saying her name when you actually stub your toe, see what comes out instead!)
- Ron Swanson!
- Scarlet Johansson!
- Matthew Broderick!
Celebrities as Swears
It's a scandal if a celebrity accidentally drops an F-Bomb on live TV. And there are videos and videos of celebrities swearing.
I remember I watched a Youtube video about using celebrities' names as swears, instead of sexual body parts and activities. It was so interesting. Unfortunately, it's just too explicit to post it here.
In the meantime, here are some that are mentioned in the video, and some that are not.
- Judas Priest! (My 8th-grade keyboarding teacher used this a lot)
- Katy Perry you too, man!
- Kanye it all, I hate Wednesdays!
- Ah, Nickelback! I dropped my pen!
- 30 Seconds to Mars and Back!
Historical People as Swears
I've just started doing this! I don't know how I got the idea; I'm sure I heard someone else do it first. Just real historical people's names as your swear. Say it loud! If someone asks what the commotion is all about, simply say that you figured out the answer to a history problem. Enjoy below some great suggestions!
Something I've discovered? The longer the name, the cooler the swear.
- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
- John Warren Butterfield
- Henry Weston Smith
- Leonardo da Vinci
- Robert Edmund Strahorn
- Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
- Calamity Jane
- Julius Caesar
- Mark Twain
- Wyatt Erp
- Charles Dickens
- Richard Nixon
Please vote! I'd love to hear from you
How do you fake swear?
My friend Pierre just gave me the best idea! He said, "Text you!" And oh, do we have a lot of examples of technological things we can use in place of swears.
- This is a portable mouse. It never works!
- "Text you!"
- Oh, it's indestructible? Definitely not the titanic. It's a Nokia!
- Yeah, but this one always breaks. Might as well be a Verizon enV3.
- Oh, microphone it and put it away.
- Do not speakerphone your voice at me!
Why aren't there more of these? I can only think of three at the moment. Have some in mind? Tell me about them below!
- I'll pineapple-slap your ascot. (Orbit gum)
- Kiss my Madagascar fanny pack (Orbit gum)
- You're a dill-headed winker toss, you know that? (Norton 360)
That's All, Folks!
This is only the beginning. I'm sure of it! I'm sure you all have adopted many sayings and words from pop culture (and maybe even from not so popular culture!) to use in substitution of profanity.
Have a favorite? Know what you use a lot or will now be using at work, at play, and in front of the kids and parents? Share below!
© 2011 Jennifer Kessner